I will never be a bridesmaid. Random thought I know, but that’s what blogs are for aren’t they? reading random thoughts and opinions and emo-musings veiled in mediocre writing and tied to subversive art to try and get your attention?…well, here’s my “blog post” for the day then:
I never really had many friends growing up and I have never been sure what part of me is to blame. I know I can be painfully shy (which comes across as ‘disinterested bitch’), but I have been this way since I was a wee lass, hiding behind my mother’s legs at parties. I would hold on to her for dear life, peeking out every so often to see who the giant that smelled funny was, trying to ask me questions that my small voice could not answer.
In class at school, I would DREAD group work. It wasn’t until my classmates (mis)took me for a smartypants that they would ask to be my partner, and even then it was only so they wouldn’t have to work as hard. As for gym class?!….don’t even get me started…I was basically Skee-lo (which on second thought, is a pretty good nickname for me.)
In high school, when my only friend was away for the day, I would eat my lunch alone in a bathroom stall or walk around the neighbourhood for the entire lunch hour, having conversations with myself and killing time until classes resumed. Some days I would dread being alone so much that I wouldn’t even go at all.
Now, I am not in high school (thank god) but I am still faced with social situations that I can’t seem to crack the surface of. I have mastered the art of topical conversation and friendly greetings but, what comes after that? Sure, you could say that I know a lot of people in my city, probably as a result of trying to find friendship in extra-curricular activities or new schools altogether-(I went to 6 of them),
But do they know me? We can hug and show grand gestures in the first 3 minutes of conversation, but beyond the idle chatter, is there any substance? Most of the time I find that people don’t even remember my name…Just my face.
On the bright side, over the last couple of years, I have reconnected with a few friends that I had gained in truth, but lost in the pursuit of false. The ones that loved me whether I was a geek or a “scenester” and I hope to never lose them again. I have also made new friendships that I have yet to explore the depths of, but I can only hope that they will become better friends as the years pass. They see the real me and like it (FINALLY)…I know I’m the new girl, so I probably won’t be a bridesmaid, but at least I’ll be invited to the wedding.